Before and After Awakening

When I was first awakening, I remember going to my therapist to handle all the changes that I was experiencing, but ultimately I was looking for the answer to the question - how can I be good enough to get what I want?

Divorce had gutted my high-control, religious community and nothing about my life looked the same. I still had my Good-Girl mindset, and I wanted to swap all the disappointment I caused my toxic Christian community for the approval of my therapist.

Luckily, she saw me coming and guarded against me transferring the judgement of my previous life into this new one I was creating.

The freedom of my new life was enough of a reward for a while. But when therapy melted into deeper spirituality, I still found myself wanting to spiritually hack my way into a mansion.

It’s common spiritual knowledge that before and after awakening, the spiritual person does the same thing - chops wood and carries water like the old Buddhist proverb says.

The transformation is within the Awakened. The difficulties don’t go away, but the way they approach everything changes.

Truthfully, because of my freedom, my little post-divorce house brought me the pleasure many mansion homeowners never get to realize.

But my ego still wanted things.

There’s been many times I would close my eyes and say to myself, Okay, now I’m aware of my issue. And now I can pretend I can finally have what I want and it will materialize instantly. Then I open my eyes, and see that my bank account hasn’t magically increased. And I think where did I go wrong? I didn’t manifest hard enough.

I think that is very common. Do you find yourself doing that too?

I still often sit with the pull to live in a future that doesn’t exist yet instead of being in the now, accepting it, and bringing full presence to it.

When I become AWARE of my longing, and feel the suffering it causes, which in and of itself is quite the feat since life is so distracting, I try to bring the awareness of the Divine to the present moment.

It hasn’t changed my circumstances immediately, but it has changed how much they affect me immediately.

A lot of times I naturally want to avoid the suffering that the longing causes. But when I do, it feels like I am pushing pause on the suffering, expanding it.

It seems like I am telling myself I’m not powerful to face this difficult emotion; it’s bigger than me.

That doesn’t feel good at all. It makes the suffering expand.

It can’t feel good because it’s not true. Truth Resonates. Fallacy Clashes. I am connected to the Divine and the power of All That Is. Nothing is impossible. Suffering is an indication that I am believing a false narrative about a situation.

So. Before I change the narrative, I sit with it.

This is where I’m at.

And it hurts.

And I can sit here and give this pain some attention. This pain won’t overwhelm me. It won’t be the end of me.

I know who I Am.

And I listen to the pain. I listen to the longing. I hear it out. And I face the music.

I love the phrase ‘face the music’ because listening to the music of the moment can be intense, but also cathartic. It describes this process well.

When I can sit with the pain. I feel magic start to happen. I don’t try to nudge the pain into a lesson, I just allow it to express itself. And it does.

And then once it’s been heard, it begins to release its hold on me. It calms down in my mind. There is peace underneath all the pain. My current house starts to appear more desirable without any changes. I find enjoyment bubble up about everything I already have.

Sometimes these pain points come up again, full throttle, loud and demanding. They want my attention.

I want to hear them.

What happens when we give our pain our full attention without judgement, just awareness?

What happens?

Seriously, try it, and tell me what happens.

What I know is that becoming more spiritual doesn’t mean we get rid of the challenges life brings. Ever. Like not ever, not for an eternity.

Here’s the process of as far as I understand it:

1. Unconscious to all the internalized shame we’ve been conditioned to feel and the effects of it in our life.
2. Boom. Awareness.
3. Processing the shame with grace and compassion.
4. Catharsis.
5. I’ve done so much work? Where is my reward?
6. Back to the uncovering of more shame.
7. Catharsis.
8. Where’s my reward?
9. #6
10. #7

Etc.

Step #5 is actually really important because that egoic desire for more is what created this experience of form. And that can cause suffering if we identify with reward and see that we don’t measure up. But that can also be fun as long as we don’t have attachment to the reward and we cultivate a strong sense of who we are.

So if you haven’t achieved all the physical markers of success, that doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong. Those blocks, limitations, contrasting experiences, and bummers will always exist one way or another. What matters is how you approach them.

Becoming more integrated with the Divine version of ourselves means we are able to meet those challenges with the power of God, Universe, Spirit, Source.

Our challenges might even be transformed into a game. And a game is boring if it’s easy. So if you find yourself going through some serious difficulty, with a lot of suffering, one question to ask yourself is - how would a deity handle this situation?

And then find that Divinity within yourself.